There’s a quote that goes, “Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” I don’t know who to credit for it but it got me to thinking…
So heyyyy all my beloved people…here’s just a little Hopeservations about love.
I know I gravitate toward certain topics a LOT.
Beautiful beginnings, meditation, spirituality, mindful moments, gratitude, balance, hope and yeah…LOVE…are just a few!
This one is for whoever needs to hear it. Which as far as I can tell, tends to be all of us at some stage or another.
After-all, we’ve all found ourselves stumbling our way through it…
No matter the age, love can leave us befuddled, as if we’re finding our way in the dark. Blindly feeling along our path and then other times it’s as clear to us as if a bright spot light was turned on.
Through all that, there is something that seems obvious, but sometimes it’s good to be really clear on this.
While love is about action, it isn’t about control.
There is no point fighting the reality that us humans are silly, willful, flawed creatures. No matter how evolved and enlightened we may think we are.
When you love someone – whether it’s your child or parent, significant other, spouse, sibling, or best friend, you become vulnerable.
So very, very vulnerable.
We have these amazing huge hearts, capable of incredible love and human beings are designed to need each other.
To reach out. To connect!
So loving is part of the equation…and so is the inherent vulnerability and suffering that can go along with loving.
We never know how much time we have, or how much time anyone else has. We never know what will happen next.
So it’s human and very uncomfortable and super messy and truly understandable that we long to control certain outcomes.
Keeping our loved ones safe is a pretty fundamental motivation that is embedded deep in our souls. We want to do whatever we can to make sure those we love are safe and healthy and happy.
Those are good, loving desires, but things get sticky when our ideas about what is good for someone differ from their own.
Of course we can all objectively step back and agree that certain behaviors are self-destructive, and are very likely to lead to pain, injury, or worse. If you have a loved one who’s putting themselves in harm’s way, of course you try to step in and get them help and support…or hold space for them if they need to sort themselves out, but even that you can only do so much about.
Only I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the pain that comes about when we try to manage or control another person’s feelings or journey.
Why do we think we can tell other people how to feel or how they should travel their own journey?
There can be a difference between how you feel (your emotions), how they feel (their emotions) and what is happening. Yet that is a matter of perspective.
Maybe you feel like your not listened to and/or your partner disagrees. It does not matter who’s “right”. You feel unheard.
Now you have to look at that.
Is this a theme in your life?
Maybe it’s time to resolve that?
Maybe it’s time to recognize any of your own unhealthy patterns and triggers that cause internal or external sabotage?
There’s a lot to examine there, and if your partner is willing to examine this with you, without getting defensive about whether they actually do a good job of listening or not, or emotionally shut you out – and you are able to truly be genuine about your “stuff” then there’s an opportunity for real true vulnerable intimacy to emerge.
But if your partner doesn’t listen or makes you feel as though what you are saying and feeling isn’t right, and you aren’t fully honest about your patterns and emotional landmines, communication is sure to break down.
We don’t have to mutually agree with how each other feels in order to communicate about our reality. However we do have to HONOR and VALIDATE the communicated message about how each other feels within that reality.
If you love someone, you want to know what makes them tick, learn how to respect their triggers, you want to validate and honor them?
In the five stages of love, everyone experiences attraction, dating, disappointment, stability and, finally, commitment. Through these five stages of a relationship, you’ll learn if you and your partner are destined for a lifetime of commitment.
But if you just want to be right all the time, love is going to be a tough gig for you. If you are only able to recognize euphoric love during the attraction and dating stages of love and aren’t able to make it past disappointment – then a stable, committed lifetime of love will be tough…
Some people make it to the commitment phase because they rush in…it feels so dang good, it must be love?!
Only there might not be an ability to maintain emotional stability and good communication and therefore a continued cycle through attraction, dating, and disappointment repeat in an effort to always feel that love bomb hormonal high that comes from the attraction and dating phase.
Sometimes the cycle even repeats with the same partner over and over or possibly from one partner to the next.
There’s where those hidden patterns, triggers, good communication, and true emotional intimacy come back in…emotional stability leads to healthy commitment.
If you want to possess or own another person, you’re in for a rough time too. You don’t own your partner or children. They aren’t possessions. They are people, with their own paths and ideas and needs and wants that will emerge if you allow them to, or become buried if you do not.
When we bury what’s deep in our hearts, we suffer.
Love can be brutal…but it’s meant to be beautiful. It’s meant to be curious, relaxed, passionate, supportive, aligned and exploring.
You may love someone with everything you’ve got, and they may leave. They may die. They may be right in front of you but so unaware of their own emotional vulnerabilities they can only manage so much emotional intimacy before their own cycle of sabotage and disappointment sets back in.
Maybe that’s what they need for their own growth. Who’s to say?
Only you can’t block the door, or say, stop…or attempt to convince them to see things your way. You can’t tell them they don’t feel the way they feel. You cannot control what another person will do, or say, or want or need.
You can’t manage another person’s path.
You can only manage your own.
Love has open hands and open arms and an open heart and mind. It doesn’t cling or manipulate or try to control.
It’s an embrace, not a stranglehold. It’s grace, it’s hope and it’s genuine.
When you love someone, you want for them what they want for themselves. You want to support their growth and expansion. It requires your bravery and your trust, and your willingness to let go and sometimes even get hurt.
I’m not telling you to be reckless with your heart.
Be open to your wisdom
Be intuitive and choose where to put your heart carefully.
I’m just saying when you do choose to love, do it all the way.
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It seems there are a lot of us out there who appreciate personal and spiritual growth practices, living a lifestyle of spreading hope and sharing observations about life. I look forward to us continuing our hopeful journey together!
After-all, everyone needs a little HOPE in their DAY and this is just the PLACE.
A place to find Hope everyday!
As always…Go in love,